My Husband, My Witness

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”
-Susan Sarandon’s character, Beverly Clark, in “Shall We Dance”

The movie from which that quote originated premiered in theaters in October 2004. It wasn’t necessarily a fantastic movie. Entertaining, yes, but not an award-winner. But I have special memories of it because it was the last movie I ever saw with my mom in a theater. She was weak, had difficulty walking and was experiencing some confusion at times, but she wanted to see that movie and she and I went together. I’ll always remember that. Two months later, she was admitted to the hospital and spent the next 10 months either there or in a nursing home before she passed away due to complications of diabetes.

Recently, when the movie aired on regular television, that shared experience with my mom came flooding back to me, along with that quote that I found to be so powerful the first time I heard it. In our daily lives, often hectic, often monotonous, it’s easy to forget the important role a spouse or significant other truly plays in our lives. They aren’t just there to help the kids do their homework or mow the lawn or pay the bills, though it’s those mundane tasks that take up so much of our precious time. They truly are the witness to our lives. They see it all with us, take it all in and hold those memories for us. When we forget the details of an event, they help us remember. When we celebrate a success or mourn a loss, they are there to share it and witness it with us. They witness the joy on our face when we receive a welcome surprise and the tears we shed when something hurts us deeply. And they hold those moments in their memory as well, to be shared for years to come.

I am so blessed to have a husband who witnesses my life with me. When I’ve had a tough day, he sees it in the way I carry myself and he is there to reach out and squeeze my hand. In that moment, he is letting me know that my pain is not unnoticed. When I’m snuggled on the couch with the kids, reading them a book, he’s there to see it and someday when I’m old and gray, I’m counting on him to reminisce with me about those moments that passed so quickly, when our kids were young and loved to hear me read to them. He was there to witness the birth of our son and I love knowing that we share that memory together. He was also there when I found out my mother had passed away. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday, but it’s so comforting to know he was there when I got the news.

It can be so easy to move through the often-repetitive activities of daily life on auto-pilot sometimes, but our spouse is often the one that picks up on the little things we do, or something funny the kids do, and points it out to us, then files that little moment away to perhaps share with us again sometime. It’s those little moments that become the “inside jokes” we all share with our spouses over the years.

I love photography and capture so many moments in photos, yet there are some places and times when a camera isn’t allowed or would be a nuisance. Those are the moments when I know Steve will be my “camera”. He’ll remember the time I fell off my horse while horseback riding in the ocean on our honeymoon. He’ll remember the Marc Cohn concert we went to last weekend and how great it was that we were finally seeing him in person after talking about how much we both liked him ten years earlier when we first met. He’ll share the memories of the first time our kids rode a two-wheeler or the day we adopted Smudge, our tiny little puppy who grew into a 60-pound dog or the day we rushed Caroline to the hospital for 17 stitches after she fell into her dresser.

Before I grew up and went off to college, my parents were the witnesses for many of the events in my life. I realize that’s the role I play for my own children now (and thanks to my obsession with photography, so many of those moments are captured forever). But I’m so glad I’m not alone in that journey. I cherish Steve as my husband, my partner, and a witness to my busy, silly, emotional, memorable life…and I love being a witness to his life in return.