Just What the Writer Ordered

I attended a wonderful writer’s conference in Milwaukee this past weekend, the UW-Milwaukee Spring Writer’s Festival.  I attended the conference two years ago and got a lot of great information which I promptly brought home and allowed to gather dust.  I was at a different place in my life then and as much as I knew I loved writing and wanted to pursue it professionally, I realized after the conference was over that I wasn’t yet ready to pull the trigger and actively pursue writing as a career.  I felt overwhelmed by the possibilities in front of me and I allowed that four-letter “f-word” to get in my way:  FEAR.  Fear of failure.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of making the wrong decisions.  I let that fear stop me and I pushed those dreams aside for a while. 

I continued to do the mom thing.  It was safe and predictable (for the most part, although every mom knows life with kids is full of unpredictable moments sprinkled amidst the routine).  But when you love writing, when you’re passionate about it, it never goes away completely.  It’s always there, nagging at you to pick it back up, calling to you.  I would satisfy my need to write with my blog posts, some articles on my Examiner page, etc. but I knew it wasn’t enough.  I knew I wanted and needed to do more writing.  However, that fear would sneak back in, making me second-guess the road I was considering for myself. 

And then an amazing thing happened last September.  I was at Barnes and Noble one day and I picked up a book called “No Plot?  No Problem!:  A Low Stress, High Velocity Guide to Writing a Novel in 30 Days” by Chris Baty.  I was definitely skeptical.  But as I skimmed the book, it seemed to hold some great motivational tips and I found myself taking it to the checkout desk despite my doubts.  I came home and read the book cover-to-cover in a few hours.  I felt inspired.  A novel in 30 days?  It still didn’t seem likely, but it started to sound like a fun way to combat my self-imposed writing drought.  I went to the website maintained by Chris Baty called National Novel Writing Month and signed up to participate in that year’s event.  Every November, thousands of people all over the world commit to writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days and the site provides a great source of support, ideas and encouragement to help everyone reach the finish line.  And I did it!  An idea came to me and I decided I was going to write a Young Adult novel.  I found the book Writing Great Books for Young Adults by Regina Brooks to be a helpful resource in getting my basic ideas down on paper so I was ready to start writing at midnight on November 1.  On November 30, I reached my goal with over 53,000 words and a full first draft of my novel completed. 

I was thrilled, but when it was all over I didn’t even want to look at my novel.  Chris Baty warned that many people experience that feeling.  I closed the file and didn’t open it again for over two months.  And then I received the email about the spring writer’s conference in Milwaukee and I decided I was ready to attend again.  After all, I had now completed the first draft of a novel.  I was truly feeling like a writer and I knew I was ready to start considering a walk down that road once again.  I even signed up for a manuscript review with one of the conference presenters.  I was terrified and excited at the same time.

I am pleased to report that the conference was just what I needed to reenergize me.  The enthusiasm of the other writers and aspiring writers who share the same passion was a great motivator for me.  It was refreshing to hear others who are in the same boat and to know I’m not the only one who sometimes lets the fear get in the way (far from it).  The conference sessions were excellent and I picked up so much great information.  The manuscript review was very beneficial, reinforcing some things I did well and giving me some areas to consider as I continue the editing process.  I left the conference feeling ready to tackle more editing on my novel and to begin actively pursuing freelancing opportunities.  My information won’t be collecting dust this time.  I’m already reviewing my notes and brainstorming and some more writing time is on the agenda for tomorrow.  I am a writer and as the final speaker at the conference emphasized, “A writer writes.”  Writing needs to be a part of my daily life and I feel so ready to dive in.

The Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

I wish spring was here.  I really do.  I’ve always loved living in a place that has such distinctive seasons.  I love the changes each one brings and I don’t think I’d be happy living in a place that didn’t experience at least some mild change in seasons.  But there always comes a point in the winter when my mind and body start to say “Enough already.”  Enough snow gear and slushy roads and temperatures too cold to tolerate.  Just ENOUGH.

But then we get a snowfall like we had last night.  The kind that leaves a powdery blanket on every tree and bush and leaves everything truly looking like a winter wonderland.  It’s so beautiful that even the most winter-hating among us can look around for a moment and admit that it’s beautiful.  At least for a moment.  Okay, maybe not my sister.  But most of us.  🙂

My husband gave me snowshoes for my birthday.  I’ve taken them for a spin the past two days and I love them!  This morning, I ventured out on my own, with my snowshoes and my camera, to capture some photos of the beautiful snowfall.  I was the only one on the trail and my snowshoe tracks were the only marks in the freshly fallen snow.  It was very peaceful, a chance to reflect on all the things I am grateful for in my life.  I hope the images I captured help you appreciate the snow as well, or perhaps help you appreciate something else in your life that you also don’t have the ability to change right now.  Today, I was truly at peace with the fact that I can’t control the weather and I can’t make spring arrive any sooner.  I can only appreciate this moment for what it is and with gratitude that I am healthy and able to experience it at all. 

It looked like a heart in the snow:

My tracks alone…

The Sound of Silence

On Sunday of this week, I dropped Steve and Theo off at the airport for a 4-day ski trip to Colorado.  Steve was very excited to share his love of skiing with Theo and to get Theo off on the right foot (boot?) with a couple days of ski school at a reputable location with well-trained instructors and lots of opportunities to learn all the basics, try lots of different runs, etc.  He felt like it was the best way to learn, as opposed to learning on the small ski “hills” we have in Wisconsin with a lesson lasting just an hour or two.  They had free flights, a free place to stay (Steve’s parents were already going to be there, staying in a condo for the week, and had room for them) and no reason not to go for it.  I thought it was a great opportunity for Steve to do the kind of skiing he really loves and can’t possibly do around here and I know how much he wants to share the sport with Theo.  Of course, as a mom who hasn’t skiied since I tried it a few times in seventh grade, I was a bit nervous about Theo’s safety, but I knew Steve would look out for him and I sent them on their way.

And then the silence set in. 

The girls were with their dad and I was alone from Sunday morning until Monday afternoon.  I’m used to the quiet when the kids are at school and Steve is at work, but this was different.  This was all alone in the evening, all alone at night with no kids to tuck into bed, all alone when I woke up in the morning.  No one to get out the door to school on Monday morning.  No one to laugh with when something funny happened on t.v.  No one to cheer with during the Super Bowl.  I was alone on Tuesday and Wednesday during the day as well and on through until today (Thursday).

In theory, I should’ve probably relished the quiet, with no one but the dogs depending on me for anything.  I tried to love it.  Really I did.  I mean, I could watch whatever I want, listen to whatever I want, read whenever I want, make what I wanted for dinner.  And don’t get me wrong.  I enjoyed those things.  Well, some of them.  A little.  But what I realized most is that I love being around my family.  A lot.

I love the questions and the stories and the jokes.  I love the hugs and kisses and snuggles.  I love kissing my kids goodnight and checking on them again before I go to bed.  I love curling up next to my husband at night and having his “I love you” be the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.  I love talking to someone who talks back, as opposed to the dogs who just tilt their head and look at me with a look that says “Can I have a treat?”

I still remember vividly the way I felt after John and I divorced and the girls switched between our two houses.  Whenever the girls were with their dad, everything felt too quiet, too empty, too lonely.  It was a year and a half later when Steve became part of my everyday life, sharing our home and building our new life together and then almost two more years before we added Theo to the mix.  It is still so difficult sometimes, even after 10 years, to share the girls.  I miss them when they aren’t here.  But it’s a routine and the familiarity makes it easier over time.  But I’m rarely without Steve and Theo.  They are the constants in what is sometimes a confusing schedule.  When they weren’t here this week, it just felt empty.

I’m leaving to pick my boys up at the airport now and I can’t wait to see them!  I did make good use of my time while they were gone and did some writing, some reading, some projects, a couple lunches out with friends.  But I am so ready for the hugs and the noise and the commotion again.  Welcome home, boys.  I missed you.

Dusting Off My Blog

As I was wandering around my house today doing random chores of a completely uninteresting nature, I decided it was time to stop in and visit an old friend…my blog. I wanted to see what my blog had been up to in my absence. Well, what do you know? It’s been up to absolutely nothing. If my blog were a knick knack on my bookshelf, it would be covered with dust right about now. Neglected and ignored for a few months, I’m surprised my blog even bothered to let me log in. Fortunately, it’s fairly forgiving that way. Is it really possible that my last entry was on October 8? My last post was last year! So I sat for a moment and thought about an explanation for my absence.

Ahh, yes. There was the matter of that little novel I decided to write during the month of November. I took the plunge and decided to participate in National Novel Writing Month, an event in which thousands of insane eager people all over the world commit to writing at least a 50,000-word novel in 30 days. Yes, I love to write, but I had never taken on a project of that magnitude and as I started typing at midnight on November 1st, I figured I would have a difficult time seeing it to completion. Imagine my surprise on November 30 when I completed my first draft with 53,794 words! I started the month with a very basic plot idea and a few characters rattling around in my head and somehow the ideas kept forming and the characters kept talking to me and the words kept going onto the page. It was definitely an exhilirating feeling to see it through to the end. Of the over 167,000 people who signed up to participate this year, 19% reached the 50,000 word goal and I was among them! However, after that marathon of writing in November, my desire to write so much as a grocery list in December was pretty much non-existent. I barely worked up the enthusiasm to do our annual family Christmas letter. I was all written out. Thus, I completely ignored my blog. (Blog? What blog?) Combine that lack of writing enthusiasm with the holidays, the kids (and husband) home for two weeks and our adoption of a new puppy (meet JJ, our newest family member, pictured below) and December blogging just wasn’t in the cards.

Now January is another story. The holidays were over, the kids went back to school and we were adjusting to life with our new puppy and yet I wasn’t writing. I think I went into a bit of a “new year coma”. The promise of the new year and the clean slate left me feeling a little overwhelmed. Should I focus on my health and fitness goals? My writing goals? My photography goals? What actions should I take to make sure 2010 was a year of satisfaction and fulfillment? The multitude of ideas swirling around in my head made it difficult for me to find a focus. It’s the old “stacking the books” problem again. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, so forgive me if I have. When I was in college, I used to get very stressed and overwhelmed prior to exams. I would stack the books up in front of me and try to figure out where to begin. Which subject needed the most attention? Which exam was likely to be most difficult? Inevitably, I would pick up the phone and call my mom in a panic. She would calmly tell me the same thing every time. “Stop stacking up the books, Kelly. Just open one and get started.” Of course, she was right. Now that I’m an adult and exams are a thing of the past, I tend to “stack the books” at a couple key points every year. January. September, when the kids go back to school. I put the pressure on myself to set big goals and make something happen and instead I often end up hitting a brick wall instead. Talk about setting myself up for failure.

In an effort not to hit that brick wall this year, I took a couple key steps at the beginning of the new year. First, I sat down with Annie and Caroline and we each made a vision board of what we’d like to focus on for the coming year. We had a good time making them and mine is filled with all kinds of inspirational quotes and pictures that emphasize the areas where I want to focus my energy this year. (Here’s a great article I found that explains vision boards if you’re interested in more information.)

Once the kids went back to school, I went to work on getting some of my physical surroundings in an order that made me happy. Our house is by no means messy, but there were some underlying issues that bothered me. I cleaned out our file cabinets. I sorted through a bunch of random paper and shredded, filed and recycled it. I re-organized some frequently used cupboards. I re-organized my desk space and my writing notebooks. I got these most commonly used areas of our home into a better system that is working for me now instead of against me. These spaces are much more conducive to working and I don’t feel like they’re mocking me all the time while I’m trying to write. (What? Paper piles don’t mock you?)

I feel like the efforts I’ve made have already started to pay off as I get that inspiration to begin writing full force again. I’ve printed out my NaNo novel and started the editing process. I’m working on some article ideas for my position as Milwaukee Family and Parenting Examiner on examiner.com. I’m brainstorming ideas for some magazine articles I’d like to try submitting for publication. And, of course, I’m working on several ideas for my blog. I would like nothing more than to make 2010 the year that I start making writing a business rather than simply a hobby.

Another plan I have this year is to set smaller, more achievable goals for myself rather than these big grandiose ideas that have the potential to set me up for failure. I’ll include some of those goals in a follow-up post this week. I’m all about accountability this year and posting my goals on this blog helps to hold me accountable. It gives anyone reading this blog permission to ask me, “Hey, how’s that going?” Don’t be afraid to do that. Really. And if you’re working toward a particular goal(s) this year, please feel free to share it with me here or via email so we can encourage each other. I think it makes the journey so much more enjoyable and tolerable when we know we’re not in it alone.

My Husband, My Witness

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”
-Susan Sarandon’s character, Beverly Clark, in “Shall We Dance”

The movie from which that quote originated premiered in theaters in October 2004. It wasn’t necessarily a fantastic movie. Entertaining, yes, but not an award-winner. But I have special memories of it because it was the last movie I ever saw with my mom in a theater. She was weak, had difficulty walking and was experiencing some confusion at times, but she wanted to see that movie and she and I went together. I’ll always remember that. Two months later, she was admitted to the hospital and spent the next 10 months either there or in a nursing home before she passed away due to complications of diabetes.

Recently, when the movie aired on regular television, that shared experience with my mom came flooding back to me, along with that quote that I found to be so powerful the first time I heard it. In our daily lives, often hectic, often monotonous, it’s easy to forget the important role a spouse or significant other truly plays in our lives. They aren’t just there to help the kids do their homework or mow the lawn or pay the bills, though it’s those mundane tasks that take up so much of our precious time. They truly are the witness to our lives. They see it all with us, take it all in and hold those memories for us. When we forget the details of an event, they help us remember. When we celebrate a success or mourn a loss, they are there to share it and witness it with us. They witness the joy on our face when we receive a welcome surprise and the tears we shed when something hurts us deeply. And they hold those moments in their memory as well, to be shared for years to come.

I am so blessed to have a husband who witnesses my life with me. When I’ve had a tough day, he sees it in the way I carry myself and he is there to reach out and squeeze my hand. In that moment, he is letting me know that my pain is not unnoticed. When I’m snuggled on the couch with the kids, reading them a book, he’s there to see it and someday when I’m old and gray, I’m counting on him to reminisce with me about those moments that passed so quickly, when our kids were young and loved to hear me read to them. He was there to witness the birth of our son and I love knowing that we share that memory together. He was also there when I found out my mother had passed away. I still remember that moment like it was yesterday, but it’s so comforting to know he was there when I got the news.

It can be so easy to move through the often-repetitive activities of daily life on auto-pilot sometimes, but our spouse is often the one that picks up on the little things we do, or something funny the kids do, and points it out to us, then files that little moment away to perhaps share with us again sometime. It’s those little moments that become the “inside jokes” we all share with our spouses over the years.

I love photography and capture so many moments in photos, yet there are some places and times when a camera isn’t allowed or would be a nuisance. Those are the moments when I know Steve will be my “camera”. He’ll remember the time I fell off my horse while horseback riding in the ocean on our honeymoon. He’ll remember the Marc Cohn concert we went to last weekend and how great it was that we were finally seeing him in person after talking about how much we both liked him ten years earlier when we first met. He’ll share the memories of the first time our kids rode a two-wheeler or the day we adopted Smudge, our tiny little puppy who grew into a 60-pound dog or the day we rushed Caroline to the hospital for 17 stitches after she fell into her dresser.

Before I grew up and went off to college, my parents were the witnesses for many of the events in my life. I realize that’s the role I play for my own children now (and thanks to my obsession with photography, so many of those moments are captured forever). But I’m so glad I’m not alone in that journey. I cherish Steve as my husband, my partner, and a witness to my busy, silly, emotional, memorable life…and I love being a witness to his life in return.

Wanted: One Sense of Direction

I’ve always joked about my poor sense of direction. I’m convinced the GPS was one of the greatest inventions of all time and I’m sure the years my father spent helping me find my way to and from various places, followed by my husband taking over that coveted role, would cause them to agree. I can now find my way to all kinds of places with the touch of a few buttons. What a beautiful thing.

What I’ve recently come to realize is that I could really use a similar contraption to help me find my way in LIFE. My head is spinning with ideas and unrealized dreams and I just don’t seem to know which way to turn first. My poor sense of direction seems to have flowed into my daily life and I truly wish my next move could be spelled out for me as clearly as it is on my GPS. Instead of “In 300 yards, turn left”, wouldn’t it be great if someone could authoritatively say to me, “In 15 days, start freelance writing” or “In two months, begin a photography business”.

I don’t know exactly what’s holding me back. Perhaps it’s fear of the unknown, too many passions and not enough time to attempt them all, confusion over which idea means the most to me or a combination of them all. Why do I have to have so many crazy big dreams? If only I knew the one perfect thing I most wanted to do and I could just start pursuing that dream right now. But alas, my dreams are many. I would love to pursue photography. I desperately want to write and publish my writing in some form or another. I have book ideas swirling around in my head. I have always wanted to own a bookstore. I’d love to turn my blog into something amazing. In what seems like another life, I was a special education teacher and I still feel the call to work with children in some capacity. See what I mean? Way too many crazy big dreams. Add to that the fact that I truly love being a wife and mother, taking care of our home, being here when the kids get home from school, baking cookies, preparing home-cooked meals and volunteering at school and you get a mom with crazy big dreams that need to fit into a flexible schedule. I’m not asking for much, am I?

With the start of a new season, I always seem to get that itch to refocus and evaluate my life’s direction. Right now, my GPS would probably say “recalculating” as I seem to just keep turning in circles, looking for an answer that I know, deep down, can only be found inside of me. There is no one else who can answer this question for me. All I know is that it’s time. Time to start moving in a direction and at least see how it goes. Time is marching on and I don’t want to look back and regret wasting it on too much thought and not enough action.

The summer was such a busy time with the kids and our activities together. My in-laws were also staying with us for the past month while they waited to move into their new condo. Those events provided a great excuse to put my plans on hold while I tended to the needs of my family. But I’m running out of excuses and I know it’s time to truly discover my life’s direction. With so many passions, pursuing any of them is likely to bring me joy and in that sense, it’s almost impossible for me to go wrong.

I’ve always been a fan of checklists, written goals and having a plan of some sort. I’m flexible enough to recognize when the plan isn’t working and needs to change, but I definitely see the value in having one. My plan right now is to spend the next few weeks researching some of the ideas I’d like to pursue, writing down some pros and cons and listening to what my heart is telling me. Within a few weeks, I know I need to be taking some action in a specific direction. It’s time to stop “recalculating” and figure out which way to turn. Making that turn might be a little scary, but sitting still and spinning my wheels sure isn’t working for me anymore. I know there’s so much more out there that I want to do.

Is there a dream you’d like to pursue? Please share in the comments and perhaps we can support each other in that journey.

Summer’s Top 20 List

To say this has been a hectic summer would be an understatement. Just having the kids home for three months is a huge adjustment for all of us. Add to that the excitement of having my in-laws and their dog, Lucky, staying with us for an extended period of time while their new condo is completed and the general flurry of activities that always seem to fill the summer months and life has been anything but dull around here. By Tuesday of this week, when the kids kissed me goodbye and headed off to their first day of school, we were ALL ready. However, as I look back at what seemed to be a constant craziness around here, I recall so many wonderful memories from the summer of 2009 and thought I would briefly chronicle them here for posterity.

1. Boot Camp: I started off the summer by joining a boot camp for the month of June. I shared my adventures here. It is still something I am very proud of and highly recommend to anyone!

2. Band Camp: This was Annie’s second year at Band Camp and we are so proud of her accomplishments there this year, including a solo part and the opportunity to speak in front of the very large audience at the final concert for parents and family members!

3. Writing Camp: Caroline tried a writing day camp this summer and loved it. She is an incredible writer, with skills far beyond her years, and we really enjoyed reading all the different types of writing she did in just five days! She had such a great time connecting with other kids her age who love to write as much as she does.

4. Theo’s Sports Achievements: Theo played t-ball and took swim lessons this summer and the improvements he made in both were so fun to watch. He is very excited about playing coach pitch baseball next summer and he swims like a little fish! We really enjoyed attending all of his games and cheering him on!

5. Annual Cedarburg Trip: Annie, Caroline and I went for our second annual day trip to Cedarburg and had a blast once again. There’s nothing like a day of mother-daughter bonding time over shopping and lunch at an outdoor restaurant beside a creek while eating what they deem to be the world’s best pesto mozzarella sticks.

6. YMCA Camp: Theo attended a week of day camp at the local YMCA Camp MacLean for the second year in a row and loved it once again. They do so many fun, unique activities with the kids and he hops in the car every day with so many stories to tell. He can’t wait to go again next year!

7. Our great weather: Record low temperatures and lots of sunshine made for one of the most pleasant summers I can recall. Few things make me happier than low humidity and being able to sleep with the windows open, which we were able to do often this summer. What a treat!

8. Melting Pot: We shared a lovely evening at one of our favorite restaurants, The Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant) to celebrate my in-laws’ anniversary and retirement. We’re so happy for their accomplishments and we all enjoyed the evening out to honor them.

9. Reading Time: This summer, I allowed myself a little more reading time than I have in years past. Although we did a lot of great activities, the pace was still a bit slower than in recent years and I really enjoyed the opportunities to bury myself in some good books.

10. Biking Time: One of my favorite things to do as a family during good weather is biking. I love getting out in the fresh air with the family, exercising together, talking along the way, having mini races, etc.

11. Farmer’s Market: We are blessed with a wonderful farmer’s market in the neighboring town, filled with produce, baked goods, flowers, eggs, handmade jewelry, dinner options and even live music! It’s always a pleasure to visit and I never leave empty-handed!

12. Annie’s 13th Birthday Bash: This was one for the record books! Thirteen girls, a crazy scavenger hunt through nearby neighborhoods, jumping in the pool with their clothes on, eating pizza, eating in general, watching movies, talking till the wee hours of the night. It was a great group of girls and a party we’ll never forget!

13. Moving In: We were thrilled when Steve’s parents decided to move to Wisconsin after retiring and selling their home in New Jersey. They will be living less than 10 minutes away and we look forward to being able to be there for each other and to have them share in more of the kids’ activities.

14. Bookworms: Annie and I are both avid readers (although the fact that she doesn’t have three kids and a house to take care of her means she kicks my butt in sheer number of books read this summer). I love that she’s at an age where we can both enjoy some of the same books and have great discussions about what we’re reading. I bought several books for her this summer that ended up to be some of her favorites. I have to confess I take a lot of pride in knowing my 13-year-old well enough to know what books she might like! I love sharing our passion for reading with each other.

15. A funny moment: I took the three kids to the local library’s summer reading celebration and Annie commented that she hoped she’d win a prize this year since Caroline and Theo both won something last year and she didn’t. Lo and behold, the first winner announced was none other than Annie! Her prize? A ride in Sheriff Tony’s squad car! Just what every 13-year-old girl wants, right? She promptly offered it to her little brother, who was thrilled.

16. Gourmet Group: I’m pleased to say that after 3 1/2 years, our group is still alive and as yummy and fun as ever. Our meal in August was delicious and the company, as always, delightful.

17. Boy Scout Camp Out: Theo had his first overnight Boy Scout campout, this one at his leader’s house as an introduction to various aspects of camping. Steve went along and they had a great time. I loved that they were able to share this experience together and I know they’ll have many more in the future.

18. Beach Day: One of the last days of summer (and a gorgeous one, to boot), three kids and one friend each and a fairly unpopulated beach equaled one of our most fun outings of the summer. I heard “thank you” numerous times on the way home.

19. A Weekend Alone: The girls’ dad and step-mom invited Theo to join them on a long weekend a few hours away and Steve and I had the whole house to ourselves for three glorious days. We napped, stayed up late, slept in, went to a movie, watched movies at home, went to gourmet group, lounged around and even squeezed in a few household projects (without interruptions!). Our theme for the weekend was “Because we can!” We were very happy to see the kids at the end of the weekend, but every couple needs a rejuvenating weekend like that once in a while.

20. Our Colorado Vacation: All I can say is I’m in love. The gorgeous weather, the incredible mountain views, the wild elk, the flowers, the great hikes, being surrounded by nature, the incredible photos I was able to take. What a beautiful place and I can’t wait to go again someday.

So many memories crammed into just a few months. Just a few years ago, the kids were attending zoo classes and toddling and squealing around on the beach and now they’re tackling 4-mile bike rides and 6-mile hikes. The time goes so quickly and I’m so glad for all the wonderful experiences we’ll have to look back on someday when they have children of their own.

Four Years and Four Million Memories

Four years ago today, I lost my best friend, my mom, to diabetes. During that time, the Earth has continued to rotate, we’ve elected a new President, my oldest entered middle school, my youngest went from a toddler to a little boy, I’ve been to new places and seen new things, I’ve struggled, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve tried to figure out where life should take me next. So many times, my hand has reached out for the phone to call her and seek her advice. So many times, I’ve seen her face in a crowded place or heard a voice that reminded me of hers, only to realize it was someone else. So many times, I’ve thought to myself “She would’ve loved this” or even “She would’ve hated this”, not able to ask her myself but just knowing, because I knew her so well, as she knew me.

She missed my 40th birthday, my oldest daughter becoming a teenager, my middle daughter performing in the school talent show, my son learning to read so easily. She missed my niece getting married and buying her first home, my nephew starting to look at colleges, another niece starting high school this year. It still doesn’t seem fair, even after four years, that a woman who spent her entire life focused on family and nurturing those she loved would now be missing so many major moments in our lives, moments she would’ve cherished and celebrated. The hole she left behind never goes away. She was one of a kind.

Yet as the years have passed, I’ve had to rely on my instincts and all the things she taught me to get through those challenges where I would’ve normally picked up the phone and said “What do you think I should do?” And, you know what? Most of the time, I’ve been really proud of the answers I came up with for myself. She gave me an incredible foundation and set such a great example and I know she didn’t truly leave me alone to fend for myself. She gave me the tools I needed and I’m making it work. I hear her words come out of my mouth sometimes when I’m talking to my children and I think “There she is again” and I know I’m not alone. My mother helped me become the mother I am today and there’s a little part of her there in so many of the things I do. Even her illness inspires me, because I know she wouldn’t want any of her children or grandchildren to travel the painful road of health issues that she had. She’s my inspiration to get to the gym when I really don’t want to work out, my motivation to make healthy choices for myself and my family. I can’t think of a better way to honor her than for her struggles and her courage to make a difference in the way we live our lives for the better.

Last week while on vacation in Colorado, we had an abundance of hummingbirds at the house we rented. Hummingbirds have reminded me of my mom since she passed away (see the sidebar on my blog). Call it a coping mechanism, but these tiny visitors last week were a wonderful reminder that she is still in my heart, even though she is no longer physically with us.

When we first lost my mom, it was all I could do to think of her without crying. Four years later, I’m happy to say that I often think of her without crying. Oh, it still happens (like right now), but more often the memories make me smile. I know she’d be glad about that.

I love you, Mom. And I’m proud to say your legacy lives on:

The Teen Years Are Here

On Monday of this week, my amazing first-born daughter, Annie, celebrated her thirteenth birthday. Yes, I am now the parent of a teenager. I know it sounds cliche’, but I truly am grappling with the concept that 13 years have already passed since a doctor first told me “It’s a girl!” and actually let me walk out of the hospital with this amazing little being in my arms…to keep and love forever! It’s been quite an adventure thus far and we now enter the next dimension…parenting a teenager.

At the risk of embarassing her (because it doesn’t take much to embarass a teenager, as we all know), I wanted to share some thoughts with Annie about what it means to me to be her mom.

My Dear Annie,

Thirteen years ago, my greatest wish was granted when I was blessed with a healthy baby girl. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. I played “house” as a little girl and I always wanted to be the mom. I’m not sure what makes a person want to be a mom from such a young age and to know it’s part of their destiny. Perhaps it was the deep love I felt for my own mother or perhaps it was just some internal instinct. As I grew older, I was certainly able to express my reasons more clearly…the desire to nurture and love another person, to create a special childhood for them, to perhaps leave a little piece of myself behind when I leave this world someday.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you were a hope and a dream before you became a reality. That could certainly be a lot to live up to, don’t you think? After all, what if you didn’t live up to my expectations? That’s the funny thing, though. Even though I hoped and dreamed about my own child, I didn’t have any expectations of what you would be like or even if you’d be a boy or a girl. I was just fascinated to see who exactly I would be blessed with as my child and excited about the journey ahead of us.

To say you’ve been a precious gift would be an understatement. You began talking at a very young age and could speak short sentences by the time you were 14 months old. Your vocabulary was incredible. Your obsession with books (a passion of my own since childhood) started early and delighted me to no end. You were a happy, funny, inquisitive little girl who brought so much joy to the lives of everyone who knew you.

As you’ve grown, it’s been an amazing journey to watch you develop your own unique personality. Your witty and clever sense of humor keeps us on our toes. You have an intense need to do the right thing and hate to disappoint anyone. You’re a loyal friend and people warm up to you easily. Though I have no clue where you get it from, your gift for playing the clarinet has been a delight to watch for the past three years and I look forward to watching you develop even further as a musician in the years ahead.

I think every parent probably looks at their child as if looking in a mirror from time to time, wondering “Where am I in this human being I helped to create?” With you, it’s often very easy for me to see myself. There’s the obvious comments we get from people all the time that we look alike, but what I love most is seeing your love of reading, the way you take every free moment as an opportunity to read just a few more pages. I love the pleasure you take in writing and your strong spelling skills. I recognize myself in your sensitivity and your gregarious nature and your fear of performing alone in front of a crowd. I melt when I watch your gentle, patient, loving way with Aunt Wendy. Those are all things that make me say “Yep, I had a little something to do with this.”

However, I think my greatest pride comes not from the ways we are alike, but the ways we are different. There are two things I admire deeply about you, Annie. One is your ability to laugh at yourself. You don’t take things too seriously and you have a great attitude when you do something clumsy or slightly embarassing. Not many people your age have that skill. The trait I probably love most about you, though, is your self-confidence. You don’t try to be something you’re not or change your personality to fit a certain group of kids at school. You are just Annie: smart, friendly, funny, a little clumsy, playful, polite, generous, eager to do well in school and just a beautiful person inside and out. You’re not perfect and you don’t pretend to be. You don’t pretend to like or not like something because of what other people might think of you. This is truly an incredible character trait, one that many people struggle with even in adulthood, and I hope it will always stay with you. I think I’m just starting to develop that skill myself and I’m 40. 🙂

There are going to be some challenges in the years ahead, from your desire for more and more independence to so many “firsts” like high school, dating and learning to drive. I look forward to the adventure with you, my beautiful daughter. You will “fall” from time to time as you learn to navigate the world as a young adult, but I will always be here to catch you…no matter what. I love you, Gracie.

Love,
Mom

Do You Notice the Little Things?

I had always assumed that most people notice the same things I do. I mean, how do you miss a gorgeous sunset or a mama bird feeding her baby on the deck? But I had an exchange with my husband last night that made me realize we really do all see things in different ways (or in some cases, we miss them completely).

Yesterday evening, Theo had a swim lesson. Since Steve met us there on his way home from work, we had two cars and had to drive home separately. Theo rode with me and as we were driving down a very open stretch of road I noticed the most gorgeous sky. There were quite a few thick, puffy clouds and the sun was peeking through some of them. The rays from the sun were shining down onto the Earth and they seemed to be doing that in both directions as far as the eye could see. It was one of those “Darn it, I wish I had the camera!” moments (the photo above is one I took a couple years ago). I pointed it out to Theo and he was in awe of how beautiful it was (he loves stuff like that). He and I kept glancing over to admire the scene and shortly before we got home, I decided to call Steve on his cell phone and ask him if he’d seen it (all the while thinking that of course he had…how could you miss that??) His response? “No, I didn’t notice”, followed by “Oh yeah, I see it now.” Huh.

Now before you think my husband is just an oblivious person, I have to clarify that it couldn’t be further from the truth. Steve is a mechanical engineer and his job depends on his attention to detail. Measurements must be exact on every part his company produces. He once brought home a tool he uses frequently at work so he could show the kids how it could measure the thickness of a strand of hair on their head! Yep, that precise. He does all kinds of carpentry projects around the house and gets disappointed about some tiny flaw that no one could possibly notice but him. He does indeed notice little things, but they are often things I can’t be bothered to even think about at all.

What do I notice? The beginnings of a gorgeous sunset, a bee on a flower, dewdrops on a leaf, a mama robin feeding her baby a worm in the backyard, the way the sun shines through the trees, the moon when it’s still visible in the sky in the daylight, the dizzying display of color at the farmer’s market. I consider every one of those things a reminder of the beauty of our amazing planet.

The things I see in nature strike a chord with me and make me feel happy and peaceful. Naturally, I want everyone to see and experience that and when I realized that not everyone does (and frankly, not everyone even wants to) I had to stop and think about that for a moment. Each of us notices the things that matter most to us. I imagine that also means that some people are most interested in what other people look like or how they accessorize an outfit while others notice unique architecture or every car that passes by. The world would be a boring place if we all noticed the same things and had the same interests, right?

I guess it’s the reason I love photography so much. I love capturing a special moment or something beautiful I discover in the world around me and then sharing those images with others so that just for a brief moment, they can see what I saw and hopefully appreciate it in their own way. I know I’ve learned a great deal about the world by looking at images captured by other photographers and in some ways I think it’s helped me to notice things that I myself might have missed if I’d been in the same place at the same time.

What kinds of things do you find yourself noticing most often? What new things could you focus on this week that you might otherwise miss? There’s a great big world of things to see out there and I, for one, want to see as many as I can.

Want to take a look at some of the things I’ve seen recently? Check out my photoblog.